Repressed Emotions- Death Note Fanfic
by jrdalby8
Summary: Have you ever wondered why L is like he is today? Was he born like that, or was it something that happened to him? From the nightmares to the emotional eating to seeming to think he is 4 years old again, is L simply an eccentric genius, or is there something darker in the back of L's brilliant mind? Exploring L's childhood/mental issues that we all know he has.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

* * *

'Really Light, it's nothing to be ashamed of.'  
'I'm not ashamed. It's just awkward, that's all.' L sighed. 'Just get in the shower. I don't have all day, Light. There is work to be done.'  
Light pouted in such a petulant way that you'd think he was a 2 year old. 'I don't see why you can't just let me off the handcuffs to use the bathroom and shower. What do you think I'm doing, killing people while washing my hair or something?'  
'That's exactly what I think, and I refuse to have my investigation jeopardised by your unfounded fear of the human body. Now take your clothes off and get in the god-damn shower or I'll push you in.'

'You don't need to shower do you, you probably haven't washed your hair in your entire life by the state of it!' Light shot back.

'I wasn't aware that the cleanliness of my hair had any effect on my mental abilities, therefore, to put it crudely, I don't care. And I wasn't joking. I will push you.'  
L smiled and turned his back on Light. 'I won't look.' he said, putting his hand across his eyes.  
Light began to remove his clothes, watching L's back making sure didn't turn around. Maybe it was childish, but he wasn't weird like L. Everyone would have a problem with it, he thought angrily.

Stepping into the shower and switching it on to high heat he shivered as the warm water touched his skin. He thought wryly that L wasn't watching him now, so technically he could be killing people at this very moment. He smirked at this oversight on L's part.

He wasn't about to mention it though, he thought as he worked the shampoo through his light brown strands. Not until he has his clothes back on at least. It was funny, at first he had thought that there was no problem with having L with him 24/7, seeing as he wasn't Kira. But there were several drawbacks, not least the fact that L's sleeping schedule was seriously messed up. Light didn't mind staying up late occasionally, but it seemed that L's general pattern was work till 2, sleep in exactly the same position so that nobody would notice until 4, then work throughout the day sneaking in naps when he thought no one was looking. Occasionally when Light insisted he would actually go to bed,  
but he refused to stay there for more than an hour and spent most of that hour turning over and over, resulting in unexpected jolts. He seemed to think that sleeping at any time was sleeping on the job, and unacceptable. Light suspected that the only thing keeping him alive, or at least from being a blubbering sleep deprived idiot, was gallons of caffeine and infinite piles of sugar. His entire system was basically high on both at all times.

'Are you nearly done?' L said in a bored voice. 'You've been there for... 2 minutes and 43 seconds. Surely that's enough.'  
'FINE.' said Light irritatedly, turning off the shower. 'Pass me a towel then.  
2 seconds later a fluffy white object was pushed through the curtains. 'Urrr... Ryuzaki... that's a hand towel.'  
'Oh.' said L, indifferently. Another 2 seconds later a larger towel was pushed through and Light took it, wrapping himself tightly and stepping out of the shower. 'Well come on then!' cried L, clicking his fingers impatiently. 'Turn.' he said, narrowing his eyes. L sighed infuriatingly and turned once again. Light pulled on his clothes as fast as he could. L heard the absence of movement and turned around. 'Good. Come on.' and he began walking purposefully towards the door, dragging Light with him. 'Wait a minute.' Light said, standing his ground. 'What NOW?' said L, turning on the spot. 'You need to have a shower too.' said Light firmly pulling at his end of the chain. 'Unnecessary.' L said, beginning to walk again. 'I want breakfast, coffee and work. And not necessarily in that order.  
Showering does not effect any of these, and simply slows me down. It is an optional part of one's daily routine that I have chosen to eliminate because it wastes time.'  
'I don't care what you do with your questionable hygiene when I am not forced to be with you 24/7. You do realise I have to sleep a meter away from you? When you actually bother to go to bed, that is.'  
L turned around and cocked his head. 'I do shower sometimes.'  
'Oh yeah? When was the last time?'  
L's eyes rolled back as if searching his brain. It was ironic that normally a figure would take half a second for L to work out, but this seemingly simple question seemed to have stumped him. 'Errr...'  
'Exactly. In.' said Light, pointing to the shower. L looked briefly as if he was going to protest, but resigning to his fate he walked back from the door. 'Fine. And you can explain why I'm late.' 'Yes. I'll explain that you were engaging in a perfectly normal human activity. They'll probably faint.'  
L began stripping unabashedly, removing all his clothes in record time and stepping into the shower. 'Well, I'm not exactly a normal human, am I?' he said, smiling.

 _And that's the understatement of the century_ , thought Light. After exactly 10 seconds L was out again, not bothering with a towel he simply pulled on his clothes once again. Wet patches began to appear at various points but he didn't seem to notice. Sweeping his untidy (now dripping wet) jet black hair out of his eyes, he finally made his way out of the door, followed by Light. Light noticed that rather oddly he was shivering, his skin paler than usual.

'Wait... did you have a _cold_ shower?' he asked incredulously, walking down the stairs.

'Now that you mention it, it was rather cold.' said L.

* * *

Once they were downstairs he watched as L sat down in usual chair, pulling his knees up to his chin. _Nothing new there,_ thought Light.

'Good morning.' said L to the room in general, not looking at anyone in particular. There was a general mumble of mornings back, before everyone settled down to work.

'Normally you're hear long before we arrive, Ryuzaki.' mentioned Matsuda. 'What's up with that?'

'One of the drawbacks of being chained to someone like Light is that he seems to have a need for things that I find unnecessary.' replied L.

'Like sleeping, yes.'

'Ah.' said Matsuda, understanding. 'Also... you're dripping water everywhere.'

L looked down to see small droplets of water landing on the chair and his knees.

He reached up and ruffled his still soaking wet hair in an attempt to somewhat dry it.

'Oops. Anyway, where is my... ah!'

At that moment Aizowa walked in pushing a wheelie tray complete with a cup of coffee, a bowl of sugar cubes, and 2 slices of cheesecake.

He placed these beside L and went and sat down himself.

'Thank you.' said L, his mouth already full with cheesecake.

 _He's really gonna get diabetes one day if he goes on like this,_ thought Light.

At that moment a message popped up on the computer screen.

'Video call from Wateri - Accept?' it said.

L looked slightly surprised, but then spoke into the microphone.

'Accept.'

Wateri's face appeared on the screen. 'Hello Ryuzaki. Everyone.' he said formally.

'Is there anything wrong?' said L, looking up at the screen.

'No... I just heard about your new investigation technique. You are going to be with Light Yagami 24/7 since he is the prime suspect, right?'

'That is correct.'

'In fact you are going to be handcuffed to him as well?'

'Yes. Is their a problem with that?'

Light and the rest of the task force watched curiously as Watari looked straight at L.

'Are you sure that's wise?'

Light was surprised to see that L looked slightly defensive as he stared back at Watari.

'I think it's necessary, thank you Watari.' he said coldly.

'In that case I would like to speak to Light Yagami. Alone.'

'What?' said L, taken aback. 'But the point is that I have to be with him 24/7. I cannot leave him alone in a room!'

'A few minutes won't hurt, that's all it will take. I will be watching him. He can't do anything.'

'But...'

' _Out._ '

L tensed his jaw but didn't argue.

'Right, everybody out.'

The task force all traipsed out of the room looking extremely curious, glancing back at Watari on the screen.

'You too, Ryusaki.'

L frowned again. 'Light, turn around and close your eyes.'

Light did as he was told.

L reached into one of his many drawers and pulled out a miniature silver key.

Reaching over to Lights hand he unlocked the handcuffs and slipped them off, placing them on the desk.

He got up and walked across the room backwards, still watching suspiciously.

Finally the sound proof door was shut and Light and Watari were left alone in the room together.

'What is it that you wanted to talk about?' asked Light.

'I don't know if you are Kira. Personally I highly doubt that you are, and that is why I am telling you this.'

'What is it?'

'Well, I lived with Ryusaki for a year at one point. It nearly drove me insane. Being with him 24/7 I can't imagine.'

Light laughed. Was this what Watari had wanted to talk to him about? Well he wasn't wrong.

'You can say that again.'

'You've only been chained together for one day and night, right?'

'Yes. Why?'

'You won't be laughing in a few days. I shouldn't really be telling you this but I feel that it is your right to know, especially since I don't believe that you are

Kira.'

Light stayed silent, watching him with interest.

'As you know, Ryusaki comes across as the perfect mad genius. Little quirks, never sleeps, etc. Perfectly normal misunderstood detective, yes?

That's what he wants you to think. I can't tell you a whole lot, but I'll just say this. His so called 'habits' are not quirks, they are obsessive. You won't be able to change them. I expect he's been holding back for the last 12 hours to attempt to be polite to you, but he won't hold up for long. I know things about Ryusaki that I will never tell anyone, but he has own fair share of mental demons, and more than most. Just give it a few hours and you'll see what I mean. You're not going to like it, and he's _really_ not going to like it.'

'Ok, well, I'll just wait and see. Thank you for telling me.'

'He's a lot more than meets the eye, that's all. Anyway, I hope that it won't last long and you'll be cleared. Good luck.'

'Thank you.'


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

* * *

Light hadn't slept for 24 hours and he felt like he was about to faint.

L was still munching his way through a box of doughnuts and 2 cups of coffee an hour, scrolling through the lists of criminals that had been killed in the last few days, trying to find patterns and correlations that had been overlooked. Light liked to think that he was scrolling slightly slower than usual, his eyes a little more glazed. But it may have been his imagination.

'Listen... please can we go to bed?' said Light, his eyes drooping as he spoke, his voice filled with sleepiness.

L sighed impatiently and turned to look at Light, who was beginning to slump in his seat.

'Can't you sleep there?' he asked, looking surprised.

'It's a hard back chair for gods sake! I can't sleep here.'

'Fine.' L stood up, resigned to the fact that he couldn't force Light to stay up much longer. 'I suppose I mustn't expect to maintain my normal schedule perfectly.'

'Great...' said Light, stumbling to the door.

'Wait.' said L, who grabbed the laptop from the desk along with the box of doughnuts.

'Are you serious? Are you even human? How can you not sleep?'

L smiled, walking steadily towards the door.

'Welcome to insomnia.'

'This isn't called being an insomniac, this is called being a vampire!'

'Let's just say I'm an extreme case. Now come on, I want to be up early.'

Light cursed under his breath.

Soon they reached their newly shared bedroom which included 2 single beds placed very close together.

The second they walked in Light launched himself at the bed, not bothering to even take his shoes off, and fell into a deep sleep instantly.

L sighed and crouched down on his bed, opening his laptop.

'Must be nice.' he said ruefully.

* * *

Light awoke the next morning feeling somewhat refreshed. It had been a deep and dreamless sleep, the best kind. He opened his eyes and glanced over to L's bed. To his surprise and shock he was still in the same position that he had been last night, still on the laptop. And still managing to look only mildly tired. _How?_ thought Light. Surely there must be some rule that you can't not sleep for nearly 30 damn hours and show no signs? Maybe he really was some kind of non-human creature.

A few minutes later Light was in the shower, feeling decidedly chirpy now that he was properly awake. He inhaled the scent of lime that was coming from the shower gel contentedly. In this moment, life was good.

Suddenly he felt a jerk on his wrist where the handcuff that attached him to L was situated, and heard a load thumping noise. 'AAAAGH!' he yelled, nearly slipping over on the slippery shower floor. 'What the hell was that for?' he exclaimed, annoyed that his peace was ruined. Upon having no answer he decided to get out of the shower. Grabbing the towel that he had hung just within reach he stepped out, ready to give L a piece of his mind.

To his great surprise L was not sitting on the edge of the toilet seat where he had left him a few seconds before, but sprawled out across the floor, his head resting on his arm, his mouth slightly ajar. He was sleeping like a baby.

 _So you are human after all_ , thought Light, amused. _That's nice to know._

He pulled on his clothes quickly and walked over to poke him awake. It was going to be so nice to force L not to sleep now that Light was so well rested.

He poked his stomach with the tip of his shoe.

'Hey! Hey! Wake up, there's work to be done!' he said, smiling.

'Mmm... gnhhhh...' L muttered, covering his face with his arms.

Light kicked him slightly harder. 'Come on! I haven't got all day. You had all night to sleep, why do'you have to do it on the bathroom floor?'

Suddenly L's eyes snapped open and he shot up from the floor, all traces of sleep gone. He stared at Light with his gigantic, grey eyes but didn't seem to recognise him.

As quick as lightning his knees shot up to his chin and he scooted back along the floor, backing into the corner.

Light watched him with confusion. Why on earth was he looking so terrified?

'I didn't mean to fall asleep, I'm sorry, it won't happen again. _Please don't hurt me_.' said L, his voice a high pitched whisper, talking fast, the same look of fear on his face.

'What are you talking about? I'm not going to hurt you.' Light said, laughing nervously, sure that he was joking.

Slowly L's eyes lost their scared look, and went from horror to being narrowed defensively.

He stood up, not meeting Lights eyes, still with that look of mistrust on his face.

'I had a dream.' he said sharply, walking towards the door. It was obvious that he was extremely uncomfortable by the situation, and he stood as far away from Light as possible.

'I gathered that.' said Light, nervously. He walked a little faster to keep up.

'Please don't mention it to anyone.' he said, without a trace of emotion in his voice.

'I won't.' said Light, thoroughly confused. 'What...'

'I'm not going to tell you, so don't bother asking.' said L sharply.

'O...Ok...'

Deciding not to ask any more questions, he simply followed in silence. Had it really been a dream? In that short amount of time?

They walked down the stairs in silence, L seemingly lost in thought.

To Lights surprise they didn't walk to the office, but went straight to the kitchen.

'Where are you going?'

He didn't reply, but continued walking. Once they arrived at the kitchen L opened one of his many store cupboards and pulled out 2 packets of chocolate cookies, then turned

on the spot and began walking back to the office.

He walked through the door at record speed, Light struggling behind him to keep up, before sitting abruptly in his normal chair.

Not even saying good morning he tore open one of the packets of cookies and practically ate an entire one in one bite, seeming unaware that anyone was watching him.

Light witnessed a great change in expression as the traces of stress that had been there moments before seemed to melt away, and his position in his chair loosened slightly.

He snapped his fingers in the air at that moment, back in his usual mind state.

'Come on then, don't stand around.' he said to the room in general.

Everyone seemed to remember what they were meant to be doing at that moment, and they all went back to their respective seats.

'Well, we have discovered that a lot of the Kira murders have been prominent business men in the last 4 weeks. Either Kira has dramatically changed his ideals, or possession of his powers have switched...'

* * *

16 hours later Light was not feeling quite as chirpy. But he was also feeling determined.

He slammed his hand down onto the table to get L's attention.

'Right, come on, we're going to bed.' he said firmly.

L looked up in surprise, who had been deep in thought, chewing on a strawberry.

'I refuse to submit to these ridiculous sleeping patterns! It will ruin my health.'

'You know, you don't have lot of choice in the matter.' said L, looking rather wide eyed.

'Do you _want_ me to to turn into a zombie with the IQ of a chimp?'

'Well, I find that if one drinks enough coffee lack of sleep has no effect on-'

'You know what, I don't care.' interrupted Light. 'If you won't let me have a room of my own...'

'Out of the question.' interjected L.

'...then you'll just have to come along, won't you.'

Light stood up and walked towards the door, not looking behind him to see if L was following.

L was clearly not expecting this, and was dragged unceremoniously out of his seat, only just managing not to land on the floor.

L sighed and began walking behind Light. 'Goodnight. ' he said to the rest of the task force.

* * *

Light drifted to sleep as quickly as possible, knowing that he would be woken early.

As his eyes closed he noticed that L was sitting on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

So very odd.

What felt like 5 minutes later he was awoken suddenly, looking around in the confused way that a person abruptly awoken from a dream about killer bunny rabbits does.

The room was completely dark, and their was no sunlight seeping through the curtains, which rather suggested that it was still the middle of the night.

What had woken him up? And it had been such a lovely sleep too.

He looked over to where L had been sitting, intending on asking him what the time was, when he realised that to his great surprise that he was asleep. Curled up on his side, hugging his legs to his chest, he was most definitely in a deep slumber. He supposed that the inevitable boredom of staring at the ceiling for hours had got to him eventually.

Inwardly shrugging he began to close his eyes, deciding that the killer bunny dream must have awoken him, and hoping to fit in a few more hours whilst L was still asleep.

Just as he was about to drift off a sound awoke him once again. A soft, barely audible moaning sound.

He looked over to L's bed, and was shocked to see that he was whining quietly, his knees so tightly pressed into his chest that they were digging into the bottom of his chin.

 _Another dream?_ he thought, thoroughly confused.

Suddenly L began to speak, his normally calm and emotionless state in shatters.

'What have you done?' he whispered, his voice higher than usual. 'What have you done to her?'

'YOU SAID YOU'D LEAVE HER ALONE!' he cried out, taking Light completely by surprise, who nearly jumped out of his skin, staring at this extremely out of character behaviour. He wasn't sure what to do.

'You said you wouldn't hurt her! You said... you said...' L squeaked, his voice back to the quiet whisper. His entire body began to shake like leaf, looking incredibly vulnerable. His voice shrank so much that Light could hardly hear him.

'You promised... you said... you... always...'

Light watched as L suddenly went limp, and seemed to have snapped out of whatever crazy dream he had been having.

Light continued watching him, his eyes as wide as saucers. _What the hell?_

L always came across as so emotionless, inhuman, that Light had taken it for granted that he never experienced intense human emotions. Always so calm, so indestructible. That was probably what made him such a good detective.

But just now L had seemed for all the world like a small scared child.


	3. Chapter 3

_It was dark, unkempt room. A few items of damp furniture were scattered across it, and there was a thin, slightly broken, staircase on one side._

 _A small boy of about 5_ _crouched in the corner, his head buried between his knees._

 _Everything was silent except for a persistent drip that was coming out of the ceiling, landing with a small_ plop _on the hard wood floor._

 _Every time a drop landed the boy would flinch as if it was a physical blow, a distraction to whatever train of thought he was pursuing._

 _CRASH. The door was flung open, and the sound of laughter and an unpleasant smell of beer crossed the thresh hold, the perfect serenity broken like glass._

 _The boys head snapped up, looking suddenly hopeful, his unusually large eyes filled with joy. A second later his pupils dilated with disappointment and fear, and he_

 _shrunk back, attempting to blend in with the shadows behind him._

 _'Tomorrow night en' Jerry?' yelled a coarse voice from the door, addressing someone that the boy could not see. 'And you'll be payin' next time!'_

 _'Fat chance.' said another voice, presumably the man named Jerry. Laughter echoed across the room before the door was slammed shut, and a tall dark figure_

 _came further into the room._

 _'HEY, AMAYA! GET OVER HERE!' he yelled, fumbling around on the wall for a light switch._

 _'Out as usual I guess, the lazy bitch.' he muttered under his breath._

 _A few lights flickered across the dark room, improving the visibility only slightly._

 _He stumbled across the room, his walk unsteady and extremely wobbly._

 _At first he didn't notice the small figure who was at this moment trying to become part of the wall._

 _However as he walked further towards the stairs a light (that until this moment had been dead) flickered to life, illuminating the corner where the boy had been sitting_

 _and almost blinding him._

 _The man (who could now be seen to be reasonably handsome, with a mass of dark hair and stubble) looked down at the boy, and_

 _having only just noticed him stumbled backwards, nearly falling over._

 _'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON THE BLOODY FLOOR?!' he yelled furiously,_

 _The boy did not reply, his eyes simply widening until they looked remarkably like saucers._

 _'You're as stupid as your mother, you are.' he scoffed. 'I bet you can't even talk,_ can you _?' he said, his voice dripping with contempt._

 _The boy continued to stare, but shrank even further back into the wall._

 _The man let out a chorus of cruel laughter, throwing his head back and advancing on the child._

 _'You're just a waste of space, you know that?' he whispered, crouching down to the childs level, his voice harsh and abrasive._

 _'Me and your mother never wanted you, the only reason we kept you was for the money.' he smirked, his once handsome features twisted, taking obvious pleasure from_

 _the fear on the childs face._

 _'In fact, I'll tell you something you might find interesting. You're mother probably goes on and on about how your name was short for something, symbolic or some shit? Covering for herself? Well_ _the real reason was that we were both too bloody drunk to give you a proper ass name!' and he flung his head back and let out a peal of laughter that echoed off the walls, filling the room with the sound. The man continued laughing for a while, walking away from the boy and slumping down into a chair on the other side of the room._

 _A single tear ran down the boys face, leaving a shiny trail down his ivory white cheek._

20 Years Later

The next day Light noticed that L was more detached and unemotional than normal, and seemed to manage to get through most of the day with a completely neutral facial expression. He was basically a brain robot, focusing only on the case in hand, and absolutely nothing else.

Light wondered if it had anything to do with the dream, but soon pushed it out of his mind. Everyone had nightmares (those killer bunny rabbits had been bloody terrifying), it wasn't a big deal.

He thought that the reason for his curiosity was that it was such a human thing, to have a nightmare, that he would hardly expect it of L, who either had no emotions or had had an awful lot of practice suppressing them.

Maybe it was just what came with the job. Light had never heard of a hot headed detective.  
Shrugging, he turned back to the computer screen.

That evening at precisely 12 pm, L looked up from his research and bowl of ice cream.

'Do you want to go to bed now?' he said, looking at Light.

Light, who had been gearing himself up for another late night looked taken aback.

'What's with the change of schedule?'

'Well, I realised that I can't expect everyone else, or in this case you, to adapt to my rather unusual schedule. I have no objections.'

'OK, well, if you don't mind...'

'Good. Come on then.'

And with that he got up, grabbed his laptop and ice cream and began walking towards the door. Light stood up, feeling slightly suspicious, but also looking forward to a proper rest.

When they got to the bedroom Light immediately noticed something odd. There was now only one single bed, his own, in the room. In place of the other one where L normally slept or rather, didn't sleep, was a hard backed chair.

'Why...?' began Light, thoroughly confused.

'I no longer require anything more than that.' replied L.

'But...'

'I'll be fine.'

Light sighed, but had learnt not to question anything anymore.

'Right, ok, whatever. Goodnight.'

Light had the best sleep he had had for weeks that night, a good, long, uninterrupted sleep. He woke up early the next day and practically hopped out of bed, feeling like he could do anything.

L looked up from his chair, the dark circles under his eyes more pronounced than usual after staying up all night.

'You're awake. Good.' and he yawned, standing up to walk downstairs.

'Um, if you don't mind be asking, where are you going to sleep now that you've replaced the bed with a chair?' asked Light. He didn't bother asking why L had replaced

it with a chair, as he was sure that would not be answered.

L rubbed his bottom lip with his thumb, seeming to be thinking.

'It's a distraction I suppose. You could even call it a temptation.'

'What do you mean? A 'temptation'?'

'I mustn't get into bad habits.' he replied, closing the door of the room.

Light laughed softly. 'Sleeping is a bad habit now is it?'

L looked up from the ground quickly, and Light was struck by the depth and intensity of his eyes, the darkness seeming to go on forever.

'It is for me.' he said, his voice soft and much less harsh than normal.

Light took a step back, overwhelmed by the intensity with which L was staring at him. It felt like L was x-raying his soul.

A second later he snapped out of it and turned around to continue walking.

Light stood still for a few seconds then followed, still slightly confused about what had just happened.

AN. Can anyone guess what's going on? Probably not, but I'd love to see your guesses! XD


End file.
